The Rich And Quaint
by LycoX
Summary: Clark and Lex got up to a lot of things over at the Luthor Mansion that no one really knew about. At least until now.
1. Chapter 1

**The Rich**

**And Quaint**

**Disclaimer: I've had this in my head off and on and thought I'd finally do something with it.**

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"Hi, I'm Clark Kent."

"And I'm Lex Luthor, and together, we are..."

"The Rich and Quaint!" Finished Clark and both he and Lex smiled big wide cheesy smiles.

Lex then continued. "Chances are that you've probably seen some of our videos on the internet from time to time. If not, well, after this you'll know after you look us up."

The cheesy smiles were replaced by ones with a strong amount of eagerness to them that made some curious and others nervous. "But be advised, folks, doing what we're about to do is not to be repeated by anybody else. Unless of course you want to get sued for all your worth or get hurt cause things weren't well planned out." Clark added as the camera veered from them to show three black limos stacked on top of one another.

Seconds later saw the camera back on to the two still eagerly grinning duo as Lex pulled out some pictures. "Inside each limo are some things we took from my father's collection. A collection he took years to put together, mind you. These pictures we took earlier are of what we put in the limos."

"And thanks in part to a friend of mine who sarcastically suggested something along the lines of Luthor property getting smashed to Hell, we thought why not make that a reality cause the idea was just too good to pass up on." That eager grin of Clark's was really starting to get certain nervous folks even more nervous then what they were before.

Even some of the curious were starting to feel that way as well! "Sometimes, dad, you have to do away with the old and in with the new."

"Or at least… Free up some space instead of looking like a hoarder or something." Clark said with a shrug.

Those watching watched as the very up to no good duo went and hid themselves behind a specially made bunker. Clark spoke up again. "And while we can't name names for who we got to help with this, just know that if you did know their names, they'd _love _your business. Even if they are all the way in Canada."

The two eager boys then looked to the side, the camera revealing one Lucas Luthor. Who just seemed just as eager as the two boys did! "Say, little brother, you want the honor of smashing dear old dad's limos?" Lex asked of his little brother as he handed over a remote to the third boy.

Who looked like Christmas had come especially early for him that year. And had he known of Lionel's reaction in that moment, he'd be especially ecstatic! "Lex, I never thought you'd ask!"

"Ohh man, this is gonna be great. This almost rivals the time I stacked those trucks on top of Whitney Fordman's."

Lex looked at Clark with raised eyebrows. "How'd you pull that one off? Especially in the amount of time it took for you to get out of that field after I found you strung up like a Scarecrow that night."

Clark looked at him and then at the camera and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Farm life is a wonderful thing, baby!" Declared the young man with a shit eating grin on his face.

Knowing he wasn't gonna get anymore out of his best friend and brother in all but blood, the bald billionaire wisely let it go. Well, at least for show anyway! "Alright, Lucas, hit that button!" Crowed Clark excitedly.

"Don't gotta tell me twice!"

And hit the button he did, allowing all to see a wrecking ball come falling down on to the three stacked limos. Resulting in a huge explosion in the process. "WHOO!" Cheered all three boys as everyone watching looked on in shock!

**Luthorcorp Plaza**

Rare was the sight of Lionel Luthor, CEO of Luthorcorp, jumping up and down thanks to the absolute rage he was currently feeling over what he'd just witnessed on television. "I WILL MAKE THOSE THREE REGRET THIS FOR AS LONG AS THEY LIVE! I SWEAR IT! DO YOU BOYS HEAR ME!? I WILL RUIN YOU ALL!"

**Kent Farm**

"Martha, I know I should be really disappointed in Clark, but this? This is the best thing I've ever witnessed."

Martha just rolled her eyes with a shake of the head over her husband's reaction. _Those boys clearly need supervision in that mansion!_

**Talon**

"Those three are _SO _dead." Pete remarked but loving the Hell out of the fact Clark had taken words he'd said and ran with it in the way he did!

"Oh God, that _smile_..." Murmured Lana dreamily.

"Farm life really _does _do wonderful things." Chloe added just as dreamily.

Pete just shook his head at the two as both snapped out of their dream states to glare at the other where Clark was concerned!

**Meanwhile, Back With The Boys**

"You know, guys… We shoulda brought some sticks and S'mores." Remarked Clark as he, Lex, and Lucas all stood a fair distance away from the burning wreck of three stacked limos.

"A good day's work is a wonderful feeling." Lex added with a satisfied sigh.

"I may never con gambling dens again after this."

The trio then looked at the camera and gave it several thumbs up. "This has been another fun filled edition of the Rich and Quaint!" Clark began with Lex speaking next.

"But don't worry, we have plenty more to come but we feel you'll have plenty to keep yourselves occupied with where past moments of us are concerned."

"And now, we're gonna go find some girls and have some fun!"

Clark's eyes lit up as he thought of a certain Brunette but Lex beat him too it. "And yes, Clark, we'll drop by the Talon."

"EXCELLENT!"

The screen then went blank.

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**Author's Notes: Heh… Sorry, had to get this out of my head. Hope folks will have enjoyed!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Disclaimer: Because when I got to thinking about this, I just couldn't ignore it!**

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"Hi, I'm Lex Luthor."

"And I'm Pete Ross."

"And this is another exciting and live edition of 'The Rich And Quaint!' Where having access to a ton of money and good lawyers is a great thing." Lex added as Pete chuckled.

"Yeah, what you guys did a couple weeks ago with your dad's stuff is still something I'm immensely happy about. In fact, I'll probably be happy about that 30 years from now."

Many were already feeling curious what the group was up to this time. Along with wondering where Clark and Lucas were. "Now that's the kind of thing that gives me peace of mind at night, Pete." Lex told him before getting serious.

"Now, this time around, we're aiming to do the impossible here at The Rich And Quaint."

"And no, he's not talkin' about provin' that Aliens exist. But that's somethin' for a future episode." Pete told the camera.

Making Jonathan Kent rather paranoid in the process! Lex then continued. "The impossible thing you fine folks are wondering about? Well… We're attempting to cure our good friend Clark of his fear of heights."

"And we thought of various ways to do this until we decided on getting him to jump from a plane."

**Kent Farm**

"I wonder how they talked our son into that!?" Wondered Martha in alarm and curiousity.

Though it never made sense to her on why her son had such a fear of heights when a fall from any height wouldn't really hurt him! Jonathan looked at his wife for a moment. "Something tells me its got something to do with Lana. As we've seen them use her as a way to get him to do something."

How that boy of his hasn't figured that out yet was beyond him! Martha just rolled her eyes at this and wondered if that was going to be the case. And if so, how it was going to work this time.

**Back With The Boys**

Lex spoke up again. "And now, off to Clark and Lucas!" He declared as he and Pete gave the camera several thumbs up.

**On The Plane**

The camera switch revealed Lucas and Clark, with Clark near the open door of the plane. Refusing to go out it with the other boy trying to talk him into it. "Man, come on! This fear of yours has got to go!"

"I'm, I'm just fine, Lucas! I can live with a fear of heights!" Replied the freaked out Kent.

Lucas looked at the camera and shook his head in exasperation. Not realizing a certain pair of girls was plotting doom against not only him, but his brother and Pete as well for putting Clark in this situation! "No, you can't, man! Think about this, what if you have to save the day a thousand miles up in the air? Huh!? You ever thought about that!?"

"No! I haven't! Cause its not gonna happen!" Clark told him adamantly.

"Shows what you know as life likes to surprise as you should know by now, man! So come on, don't be a wuss!" Goaded the younger Luthor.

But his friend just wasn't having it as he shook his head in vehement denial.

**At Casa Sullivan**

"Those boys are going to die painfully." Declared Lana.

Not at all liking the fact her crush was being put into such a position! Chloe was in full on agreement with her friend and rival for Clark's affections. "I've already started looking up methods online."

"Good. Very good."

_And maybe I can find a way to get you focused on some boy who ISN'T Clark. Because he's MINE! _Lana thought to herself with a giggle squeal.

One that made Chloe look at her in a suspicious way. _NO! He's mine, damnit!_

**Meanwhile, Back On The Plane!**

Lucas let out an exaggerated sigh. "Man, I wasn't gonna tell you this..."

Clark looked at him, wanting to know what the heck his friend was on about. "Tell me what, Lucas!?"

But the boy just shook his head, not wanting to say anything right away and desperately trying to hide a grin. "Nah, its nothin', man." He told the fearful Kent.

Not that the other boy would buy this of course! "No! Its something! So what is it!?" Demanded to know the Last Son.

"Well… Its like this… Lex told me that Lana told him that if you did this, she would give you one heck of a kiss."

"She… She would?"

A fervent nod was the initial answer. "Oh yeah, man! And it wouldn't be a kiss on the cheek but on the lips. But I wasn't supposed to tell you that." Stage whispered the younger Luthor.

Again, completely unaware that a certain Blonde was giving a certain Brunette one Hell of a death glare! "She… Lana, really told Lex that?"

"Yep! And I think there was something about tongue too? But I might be wrong as I wasn't really listening. Sorry man." Lucas told him in fake regret as Clark's eyes widened.

"So all I gotta do is jump from this plane and I get a kiss from Lana!?"

"Yep!"

"Whoa! At least this time there won't be extinct flowers or evil rings causing the kisses to happen and for less pleasant stuff to happen this time around!" Clark exclaimed excitedly!

And Lucas, not having a damn clue what his friend was on about, just gave two encouraging thumbs up to him. "Definitely!"

Clark was smiling widely and to the amazement of everyone, jumped from the plane with a parachute from his back. "FOR THE LANA KISSES!"

Lucas could only stare in slight shock for a few minutes until he looked into the camera with a big shit eating grin on his face. "Man, that kinda thing works _every _time!" It was great!

**With The Girls**

"Lana, let me make one thing abundantly clear."

Turning her attention to her friend, Lana asked her what that was in a challenging manner. "I'M going to be the _only _girl who french kisses Clark!" Declared Chloe.

Completely forgetting (Or just completely unaware) that a certain Kawatche girl over in Granville had done that several times already. And was planning to do so several times more as part of a plot to completely win over Clark for all time. Lana glared heatedly at the Blonde in such an intense manner, one would think she was going to set the reporter on fire! "Like Hell! He's had a crush on me since we were kids! That means I'm the one for that sort of thing! The one and only for _life_!"

It was probably a good thing for Gabe Sullivan's sanity that he was no where in the vicinity of this whole thing! The girls stared each other down, daring the other to move.

**With Clark**

While Clark couldn't say he was truly cured of his fear of heights at the end of it all, he did have to admit jumping from a plane was a little exciting! Though he would definitely become a little more on the ball to his friends using his Lana crush as a way to get him to do things after Lana herself jumped him and kissed the life out of him! And then told him a thing or two and even admitted she left Chloe tied up in a closet somewhere in the Luthor Mansion much to his immense confusion over the whole thing. Lionel Luthor on the other hand, while still greatly pissed off for what the boys had done to his property, was just grateful nothing had happened to any more of his property!

At least until he discovered they had been behind the invasion of Drag Queens and Mimes at Luthorcorp Plaza when they had been getting Clark to try and jump from a plane to cure his heights!

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**Author's Notes: Heh, hope folks enjoyed reading this as much as I did in writing it!**


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